As an English teacher, I have many students who take on the task of reading Jane Austen for outside reading or author research assignments. She is one of my favorite authors too. I rarely do much research on authors that I like because I like reading them so much. But I do know a little tid bit or two about Jane.
Earlier this year, I was in a not-so-great mood and my long time college friend Brittany called me up and asked if I wanted to go the Harvard Exit Theater and attend “Jane Austen’s Book Club.” I said yes and it was quite a delightful. A real pick me up!
The last couple of months have been really difficult for me. Work has been tough and I have been sick so my exercise and yoga has been minimized and I have had to miss work and curling to rest. It has truly been unpleasant. Usually on Thursday nights, Brittany and I will partake in an evening of watching Ugly Betty and Gray’s Anatomy. With the writer’s strike, we have been forced to have other types of entertainment. But we have both been sick or busy and have usually canceled out.
Tonight we got together and watched the movie “Becoming Jane.” Now… another excellent film, but not a happy film. If you all know something about Jane Austen, you will know she never married and died at a pretty young age. This story stays true to this story line and and just tugs at your heart strings.
Her life hits very close to home. For here I am, writing a silly blog to get ideas down and to practice writing. How I would love to have an exquisite novel one day and be published. But in some ways, I feel like I am walking down Jane’s path and I am very frightened for what that may mean.
While truly very little is known about Jane’s life… I think I know mine quite well. An ambitious young lady works very hard to get degrees to move ahead in social and economic society. In her college days (prime time to fall in love and get married) she was too busy working to support herself and besides, she thought she had found a companion to live out the rest of her days. Well live out the rest of his days because he was much older than her and would probably die before she did. Too soon did the harsh reality of life barge into the itinerary this lady was establishing. And now she sits in her last year of her twenties very much alone.
This lady had not given up on love; she attempted to start over with a couple of other interested gents, but they turned out to either not understand her, think of her as too independent and strong willed, or lacked the confidence to stay committed to her. But she was always reassured by them and others that there was someone for her. But can they be so sure?
And that folks, is the dilemma I see myself in. My life is not unhappy, but there seems to be something missing. It is not the maternal instinct for a baby or a wanting of a pet. But someone to come home to at night and discuss the day… or not. A companion that you share a common foundation with. To be each others rock when everything else is going crazy. I wonder even with my false engagement if I have ever really experienced this at all. It seems foreign and mysterious to me.
So whoever said that, “it was better to have loved and lost, then to have ever loved at all” is smoking crack because I could live with myself and live out my days quite content, I believe, without that special male companion. But I have tasted what love is….even if it was not true love and it is the worst possible thing with a plausible reality that you will never be able to experience even a piece of that again. I think I would have rather stayed ignorant.
I do not know if I have the tenacity or the strength to have all my stories have happy endings. Here is a toast to you Jane!
I will sign out this evening with one of my most cherished movie quotes:
“I knew a lady very like your sister - the same impulsive sweetness of temper - who was forced into, as you put it, a better acquaintance with the world. The result was only ruination and despair. Do not desire it, Miss Dashwood.” ~ Colonel Brandon
Sense and Sensibility ~ 1995
Mel