Well it is that time again… When everybody and everybody’s brother is getting married… or at least hooked up in some capacity or another. That is everyone but me. Funny how that goes. Just this month is the first of 4 weddings I could potentially attend. The next is in July, but with getting my professional certificate and lack money, I do not think I can get to California. It is a shame because it is my brother’s wedding. But he already has a kid with the girl and I have met her. She seems really nice.
Then I have 2 teacher friends in August and 2 friends I cherish very much 2 weeks later. I almost had to laugh out loud last night when waiting to have one last fare well happy hour at the De Lux for our friend Shailesh. Stupid Paul had the nerve to ask me what I would do now that curling season had ended. That is always the case for me. Unless spouses are out of town, or people are with out a boyfriend or girlfriend, there is rarely a case for me to be around.
While some people are brides, others bridesmaids, I am the rent a friend. The goofy, laughable person that will always be there when someone is needed. I am a great planner and organizer and can make sure it is a good party. Heck, when I was in Mission, BC the other weekend there was an acquaintance from Oregon who commented, “Oh you are here! Well then we know it will be a party!”
Not that I am the most outgoing of types. I tend to stand back and when I have figured everyone else out, then I jump onto the scene. But that makes people feel important. They feel like they can trust you. The silent type that opens up. That is me.
About every 5 years is when we see a wedding season. Younger folk who are foolish get married at about 22. The people in their mid twenties to early 30’s start to hitch up. And eventually if you lose friendships with the young folk, there becomes the baby seasons. And then the death seasons after that. Joyful and sorrowful events in most peoples lives.
I think I have come to terms that I will never have one of these seasons. Not that I necessarily have to like it. I feel a little bi-polar on the subject. There are times when I feel extremely lonely and would like to have that companion to talk to. I can go for days in the summer time and not have one meaningful conversation. Most people do not think about those kind of things until they are alone. But… most of the time, I really enjoy my freedom and individuality. I do what I want, when I want to. I have to answer to no one or check in on anyone. but then… even that freedom can be a curse. What happens if I become ill? My car breaks down? I in general need some help. I have no one. I have to depend on people who say they are my friends, but I have seen what has happened before.
Many people laugh at my proclamation that this is as good as it will get for me. They say I am so young and I have tons of time. This may be so, but sometimes it is intuition. I feel it in my bones. It has even been stated to me. How can I forget the words about a year and a half ago, “You are my best friend. There is a part of me that loves you immensely. But you are not like other girls. I would always be looking for someone else.” And that is it in a nutshell. I am not like other girls. I do not act like them, I do not feel or think like them. Guys love this at first, but they have all been socialized to love the bitch. Love the insane illogical girl. Whether they will admit it or not. And when they realize that I do not fit that mold. Any physical attraction they might have felt, melts away. And because these men can not deal with me being just “one of the guys” like they did at first, they cut and run. I can not blame. them. It is the nature of humans.
If there is one thing I can thank figure skating for, it is the ability to hide your feelings. No matter how awful I feel, you will still see the smile. I can still get that sparkle in my eye. I just treat the world like the judges. There is an image that must be maintained. And boy you will get that from me. Why make people feel down or sorry for me? It does no good. I will ever be the gracious, happy go lucky gal that everyone has come to know. And generally that is the case. But sometimes, when a season comes I know I can only experience from the outside, a wondering of “what might have been” can linger on my mind. Only for a second though. If Jane Austen could live a satisfied life, so can I.
I raise my glass in a toast for the happiness of my friends and family that will occur in the coming months. Prost.
Mel