When it Rains, it Pours: The Wedding Season

Well it is that time again… When everybody and everybody’s brother is getting married… or at least hooked up in some capacity or another. That is everyone but me. Funny how that goes. Just this month is the first of 4 weddings I could potentially attend. The next is in July, but with getting my professional certificate and lack money, I do not think I can get to California. It is a shame because it is my brother’s wedding. But he already has a kid with the girl and I have met her. She seems really nice.

Then I have 2 teacher friends in August and 2 friends I cherish very much 2 weeks later. I almost had to laugh out loud last night when waiting to have one last fare well happy hour at the De Lux for our friend Shailesh. Stupid Paul had the nerve to ask me what I would do now that curling season had ended. That is always the case for me. Unless spouses are out of town, or people are with out a boyfriend or girlfriend, there is rarely a case for me to be around.

While some people are brides, others bridesmaids, I am the rent a friend. The goofy, laughable person that will always be there when someone is needed. I am a great planner and organizer and can make sure it is a good party. Heck, when I was in Mission, BC the other weekend there was an acquaintance from Oregon who commented, “Oh you are here! Well then we know it will be a party!”

Not that I am the most outgoing of types. I tend to stand back and when I have figured everyone else out, then I jump onto the scene. But that makes people feel important. They feel like they can trust you. The silent type that opens up. That is me.

About every 5 years is when we see a wedding season. Younger folk who are foolish get married at about 22. The people in their mid twenties to early 30’s start to hitch up. And eventually if you lose friendships with the young folk, there becomes the baby seasons. And then the death seasons after that. Joyful and sorrowful events in most peoples lives.

I think I have come to terms that I will never have one of these seasons. Not that I necessarily have to like it. I feel a little bi-polar on the subject. There are times when I feel extremely lonely and would like to have that companion to talk to. I can go for days in the summer time and not have one meaningful conversation. Most people do not think about those kind of things until they are alone. But… most of the time, I really enjoy my freedom and individuality. I do what I want, when I want to. I have to answer to no one or check in on anyone. but then… even that freedom can be a curse. What happens if I become ill? My car breaks down? I in general need some help. I have no one. I have to depend on people who say they are my friends, but I have seen what has happened before.

Many people laugh at my proclamation that this is as good as it will get for me. They say I am so young and I have tons of time. This may be so, but sometimes it is intuition. I feel it in my bones. It has even been stated to me. How can I forget the words about a year and a half ago, “You are my best friend. There is a part of me that loves you immensely. But you are not like other girls. I would always be looking for someone else.” And that is it in a nutshell. I am not like other girls. I do not act like them, I do not feel or think like them. Guys love this at first, but they have all been socialized to love the bitch. Love the insane illogical girl. Whether they will admit it or not. And when they realize that I do not fit that mold. Any physical attraction they might have felt, melts away. And because these men can not deal with me being just “one of the guys” like they did at first, they cut and run. I can not blame. them. It is the nature of humans.

If there is one thing I can thank figure skating for, it is the ability to hide your feelings. No matter how awful I feel, you will still see the smile. I can still get that sparkle in my eye. I just treat the world like the judges. There is an image that must be maintained. And boy you will get that from me. Why make people feel down or sorry for me? It does no good. I will ever be the gracious, happy go lucky gal that everyone has come to know. And generally that is the case. But sometimes, when a season comes I know I can only experience from the outside, a wondering of “what might have been” can linger on my mind. Only for a second though. If Jane Austen could live a satisfied life, so can I.

I raise my glass in a toast for the happiness of my friends and family that will occur in the coming months. Prost.

Can a Book Actually be at My Finger Tips? How I Learned to Read Again!

I know it has been awhile, but I have been curling…. a ton.

This was the story of my college career. Both my undergraduate and graduate programs. Work full time and also go to school full time. I did have a ROTC scholarship at one point early in college, but it is a long story. Basically, because of sexism, sexual harassment, and jerk instructors, I left. There was no way I was going to sleep with someone to get some where.

So I had to work. Due to our lovely President and the Dot.com bust, I did not even have enough student loan money to cover the tuition for my graduate school. Yeah credit cards. So for almost 2 years after my college career, I had to work 2 full time jobs.

Even before I started to look like death warmed over, I had lost the passion to read. The desire to pick up a book and read it was not there. Even if I got so far as to open the first couple of pages, I got fidgety and felt very ADD like. This confession is like blasphemy in the English, Political Science, History, and teaching realms. But it was the way I felt.

I am not sure if it came from all the stuff I had to read in college. Political Science, English, and History is not what you would call light on reading. My time was so stretched I would get all the books before the quarter started and I would read them through quickly so could do a second quick read through during the quarter. I never had the time to do one in depth reading. I was going to school and working too much.

Or it could have been the exhaustion of just working to much. It was not to say I was not doing any reading. My teaching job had me reading at least 12 novels a year and tons of short stories and poems in between. But that is the same stuff over and over again.

And then something clicked last summer. Late last summer, I decided to read The Poison Wood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver (her birthday was yesterday). It was in our honors curriculum and I was going to push my students to read it for outside reading. I thought I had better read it. The same day I finished that, I picked up Kite Runner. And the rest is history. All this school year I have read anywhere from 10 minutes to 3 hours before I go to bed. I have gotten back into the trashy romance novels I used to love as a teen. I can’t get enough. It is such a good feeling.

Any good author will tell you that if you want to write something and get it published, the first thing you need to do is read and write. Read as much as you can. This helps get the creative juices flowing. And lets face it, the more you write, the better writer you become. Hence this blog. I have always wanted to write a book. I have ideas floating around in my mind, and I love to tell verbal stories, but I could never really think of anything concrete. Last summer, I even started to write some poetry. I was really desperate to try and get anything substantial down.

This morning as I was laying in bed (cursing I was up so early when I did not have to be because I am on spring break), I think I have created a foundation for my book. I even sat down before this blog and started to sketch things out. I can not just sit and write, I need to have some framework and go from there. I think this could actually be something people would want to read. I think I can put things together that make sense. We will just have to see. I can not help but wonder if this break in ideas, form, and creation could not have been from my reading.

It’s About People Darn it ~ Or How My Easter Weekend Ruled!

I am a bit late on this post, but work has been crazy!

After another religious holiday weekend, I have come to a couple conclusions. First, if you are not religious or Christian and live in the states (or another mainly Christian country, take advantage of these holidays. Meaning…. if you are a teacher and only do a little grading, people forgive you because they were doing asinine stuff.

Second, I have more proof that religion is just an excuse for what humans really need… loving each other. And no… I am not talking dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter!

My fun actually started on Saturday. I got to sleep in a little and then met up with my good friend Alyssa and we had to do the dreadful… Shopping. And i do not mean good shopping like, “let’s go to the thrift store and see if we can find anything.” I mean the, “Oh boy! We have a costume party in 2 weeks, are in Canada curling next weekend, as we have to find Mel a costume…. Now!

We had figured out weeks ago that I was going to go to this circus costume party as a sexy magician. Good idea right!? No frumpyness for me. Well we have come to find out that there are no good magician costumes or stuff. We were really having to piecemeal stuff together. And did you also know that those men’s dress shirts with the ruffles in the front are not really made anymore and that is why we could not find one. Well we did… at a costume tux rental shop on Capitol Hill.

But that is the painful part of the story. Really my day was fun. We started out eating Dim Sum in the International District. Then we went to the monstrous Good Will and found a skirt for me and books. Went to Champions and found some ribbon for a raffle we are running. Then went through a Condo open house near by. Went to my place to freshen up. Walked back downtown to the Magic Store in Pike Place to get some tricks, but really that store is just a gag shop now with a few really expensive magic things (i.e. a $90 magic wand). Went to Gelato, walked back to my place and had a beer, then went to John and Ying’s stag and doe party (which if you do not know is like a pre-wedding party.

The next day, Alyssa and I went to yoga and then the Ballard Market (per usual). I then met up with my old roommates (Jo and Randall) and Jo’s parents and brothers at Rock Salt for Brunch. We then went to Jo’s parents boat and hung out and did an Easter Egg hunt for their 1 1/2 year old son Andrea. Jo is going to have a baby girl in September. I went home, rested and curled as a sub with my friend Shane and Amy. Phew.

While to most people this sounds busy, and exhausting, it is the most fun I have had in awhile. Just being with people and having fun and playing games was awesome. Feeling like you belong I think is something that all humans need. We are usocial for goodness sakes. One of the most horrible situations a person can be in is to feel like they do not belong. This is done very intentionally by many people. They feed off of other’s people sorrow to be happy. Very unhealthy on both cases. But none of that happened this weekend. There was just laughter, goofiness, and comradeship.

All of this without much talk of Easter anyway. It was awesome. So rarely do I really feel like I belong. And not that I feel that people are trying to make me sorrowful and then become happy off of this. But I feel so goofy and out of place in most circumstances because of my up bringing and not associating with my family anymore. I cherish the times when I feel like everything is balanced in the world for me.

Are you a Shower or a Grower!?

I was listening to the Men’s Room on 99.9 KISW the other day. They has a topic all about what you did not know about the penis. For example… did you know you can actually break your penis? Now I probably could never fathom what that would feel like (lacking a penis and all), but it sounds painful.

What I was particularly interested in was the part about whether a dude was a shower or a grower. Basically, a penis will either just get hard when aroused (the showing aspect) or a penis will grow (what we usually are used to). They were laughing and feeling sorry for the dudes that basically were all about the show and had no grow. I guess that is where the term “it is not how big it is, it is how you use it!” Ha. Lame excuse for someone who feels bad.

And while we can all laugh and giggle about this, I began to think that is analogy can be used in general terms with people. First, it is easy to think that showing is not as good as growing, but not necessarily the case. I will analyze the differences between people who are showers and people who are growers.

Show(ers) I hate how it looks like a wedding shower. First, these people are not necessarily ambitious in many aspects of their lives, but at times like to be the center of attention in small ways. Do the behind the scenes work and get credit or not later. They are happy with showing what they can do, but not make a scene about it. They get things done. As a flip side negative, these people can seem like slack dogs, lazy, and just kinda going through life. People wonder why they do not want more from life.

Growers are those obnoxious A type personalities. I am going to start with the negative types. They are pushing, want to be the center of attention in the most outgoing way possible. They can go on power trips when they are in charge or get some kind of power and usually it is so little power that you want to slap them. The positive type people are the movers and thinkers of the world. They are analytical, decisive, and are great leaders. In a sense… they “rise to the occasion!” ~ No pun intended!

Food for thought… Are you a show(er) or a grower!?

What Country Would You Represent?

I have been having an email conversation with a friend over the last couple of days. She is Canadian, but has lived in the States for a very long time. If she were to ever be competitive in her sport again (which is can and it is a shame), she would either need to move back to Canada or get her USA citizenship. I have been bugging her about getting citizenship. Good competitors should be competing.

Her reasoning for not getting her citizenship is that if she were to place in national/world competition, she would not feel right about having it be for the USA and not Canada. She said it would feel wrong to have any other country than Canada on her back. I guess I can see her point, but I have a different way of thinking about this situation.

When I was a competitive figure skater, many people from the USA went to different countries to try and make it to world’s through their nationals or European championships. There was and is such a gluttony of skaters in the USA that it can really help out a singles, pairs, or ice dancing team. The goal was the medal. Country representation was and is only a big deal because of the Olympics. If the IOC would stop making it be coutries, fans of different sports would not care. 

If it were up to me, I would compete for any country that would have me. Well…. I take most of that back. I would never compete for China (the oligarchy not communism). And a few others, but I am sure they would never want me either! 

I have heard other people speak of loyalty to their country and this and that and I find it quite fascinating. A person would rather not win and prove that he/she is at the top of the sport just because he/she can not represent a certain country? It is wacky. I wonder if a lot of people think this way!? 

Lame o’ Luck of the Irish

You know you are getting old when you start finding that people are not inviting you out to cool shindigs on silly holidays like Saint Patties Day. All I did today was go to work…And it was not even a teaching day. A staff inservice day. Then I had my club sport. I tried to be festive and I wore this greet shamrock antler things that said Cheer on them, but I was the most festive one there except for the people who wore just green. Lame.

Though I have to admit that last year might have been lamer. I remember that I was shopping at the grocery store at like 11pm at night (the best time to go), it was a Saturday night, and then I ran into an acquaintance that really the grocery store was the last place I wanted to run into him on a Saturday night. 

I always loved going out with my college friends to non-Irish pubs on Patties Day. They were never crowded and we would even get some free drinks from the owner/bartender because we were spending the night there. It used to be great. 

Though I have never been one to be on the party scene when it came to events/holidays, I like to have a good time with a close group of people. When it I turn off the radar? It is interesting how you slowly become nothing when you are single, alone, and no one else you know is. 

Born at the Wrong Time

Besides knowing that my parents were idiots at like the age of 4, I have always felt that I was never born at the right time. I guess it is a burden I will live with the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel like being a young adult in the 60’s would have been just right. I am fascinated with the civil rights movement. I love everything 60’s (and really it is the best stuff), and I like the music too. 

Then I think about the pioneer days… like around being born around the 1860’s. While I could have had a cool life going out west, I could also experience an industrial revolution. I feel like I would have fit in at that time too.

And there is more present day. In high school, I had older friends. They all graduated before me and by the time I hit my senior year, I really had no friends (or not too many close ones). I was in ROTC at the time and my peers were all jealous of my success and younger folk all admired me way tooo much. I was all alone. 

It was the same way with college. Out of our huge gang, only 3 people were in the same graduating class with me and because I took a fifth year to get a double degree and a minor, all my friends had graduated long before I was out. I had some friends who were “younger” than me, but it was the same case with them. I was not really all that close to any of them and they looked at me in awe because I held some leadership positions in the residence hall associations. 

At the museum I worked at, I went through the ranks quite quickly and was the youngest supervisor ever. So any folk who were my age or younger did not realize it and I was their boss. Hard to make friendships there. And everyone else at my level was way older of course. 

And now current day. My really good friends are on average 7-10 years older than me. I have one friend who is 1 year older than me, but it is debatable whether he is really a friend. There is a friend who is one year younger than me, but he acts like he is 50 going on 70 half the time. No spark or spontaneity in him what so ever. Even some of my friends are quite older. Could be my parents or grandparents. I love them dearly, but they have had fun and excitement in their lives. They have been there and done that. I haven’t!

And now I am meeting some people who are younger than me. 20 to 25. Oh did I mention I am 29. A great age if you are in a committed relationship or just married, but not so good if you have only ever had a couple boyfriends in high school, one ex  who was 30 years older than you (and you almost married the jerk), and a couple quick flings after that. But these people think I am waaaay old. I really have never had experience being the old one. I have a profession now. These folks are just getting out of college. I look well established.

And there is no way I could find a dude from this group. These guys are in no way wanting to settle down or think about me or anyone as someone they would stay the rest of their life with. So I am left in the position of any single folk my age or older have something terribly wrong with them or the young people are just looking for fuck buddies or a person to call “his girlfriend” but have no inclination of ever taking the next step. 

If I had been born a little earlier, I could have been in the group of folk who are 7-10 years older than me. It would be perfect. I also think if I was born 5-10 years younger, it would be perfect too. Because I could be in the dating pool with those folks and I like some of them. But the age I am at leaves me stuck in the middle. And the fact is, my closest relationships will always be the folks older than me because I gravitate toward them more. So they will all die first, and in a decade or so I will start to be alone again. 

And even with my older friends, I truly do not fit in. They have had experiences and such that I have not had. They are too quick to say, “oh you are just young and have lots of time.” They forget that most of them got married in their late 20’s, bought a house in their early 30’s, and then or at the same time had kids if that was their thing. I have had none of these experiences and probably never will. With just my income, I will be paying off my student loans till the cows come home and could never afford even a condo. During the summers, I can go days without having a meaningful conversation with anyone. and during the school year, only conversations with work folk. I never have anyone to vent my day to or cuddle at night with. And really… people my age just think I am weird. 

So I continue to plug along and at least I can live vicariously through the people that I know. At least that is something. 

Picky Techi People Suck!!

In a couple weeks, I am going to be going to an invite competition in Canada. It should be tons of fun and really cool. Several people from the Seattle area are going.

We all started thinking it would be a cool idea to get in on the offered cheap hotel fare being offered to us from a motel by the group organizing the competition. Really we will only be in the hotel to sleep. the rest of the time we will be socializing. 

Oh! Should I say all but one stupid techi person. Know I have no problem with tech files. I am usually classified as one myself. But when a reason not to staying at a hotel is no wireless high speed internet… give me a break. This is no vacation… it is a curling competition. Do not go if you have to work. 

I can not stand stuck up tech people. They act like they are better than everyone else. I have one friend who is as tech not as anyone could get. She is made fun of by these jerks all the time. Offer tech suggestions, promote products, but back off when we tell you to. Yes I have a computer monitor from 1997, but it still runs and unless you are going to buy me a new one, my money is already spent! Ha! So stuck up tech people, stay away from me or beware! 

Just Because I am Single…

Over the last week, I have had 5 different phone calls for me to babysit children. All with the same tenor, “So and so said you were single and could possibly babysit.”

Because I have nothing better to do in my spare time than babysit children, take care of pets, or house sit. It is becoming very annoying.

This all started about 4 years ago. My good friends John and Alyssa were going away on a trip. They asked if I could feed their cats and I could stay in their place because their friend Tracy could not do it. I told her I could, but to keep it quiet because I did not want people to know I ’sometimes’ did those things.

Nobody’s fault, but word got out. The week after I had stopped cat sitting, I had request to animal sit from 6 people. The same thing happened when I house sat for Lennard and Jean. 

I think it is the phrasing that is particularly disgusting, “Your single so I could really use a [add your watching needs here].” How Rude.

Just because I am single does not mean I have things to do and people to see. Just because someone is single does not mean they want to become your resident babysitter of all types. For god’s sake… I teach school… why on earth would I want to watch your brats on the weekends!? 

There is a reason I live alone. There is a reason I am not a nanny. People, it is fine to ask people if they can do something, but do not do it on the pretense they will do and it is because  they are single. We have lives and they are quite busy too. Even for us older folk!

Where is all this cancer coming from?

If you ride around Seattle enough, you will eventually see many signs and advertisements about how Seattle has an extremely high amount of people who have heart disease or osteoporosis, or even MS. They ask if it is something in the water. Clever, but a sad reminder of how many people are sick.

Last spring, I knew 4 different people who had breast cancer. Two were from work and two were acquaintances of my good friends and one of them has become a friend of mine now. These women are in their late 40’s and 50’s. An age that people usually start seeing breast cancer. 

Then another work friend got breast cancer. This was much farther along and she is just finishing up chemotherapy. It has been just awful for her. She has even had to go to part time. 

A huge whammy was November. My good college friend was diagnosed with a very low risk breast cancer. Some even call it stage zero, but they still a lumpectomy and radiation. She is younger than me…. 28. It is too weird. 

And now the scary thing is tonight I found out another good friend woke up with a weird lump in her breast last week and now has to have it checked out. It all spells out cancer and maybe a fast moving one. It is really scary. I never thought at this young of age I would know so many people who are experiencing cancer. It is hard to know what to do. Or even what to say sometimes. It is kinda awkward to go up to someone and say, “Boy… Sucks you got cancer, hope you get well soon!” Not the most eloquent. 

So compared to some others, my injuries seem very minor and I feel very lucky. I just hope I am living a good lifestyle and will never have to worry about any of this type of stuff. I just the best I can hope to do is think happy thoughts for them and help out where I am able to.